Keep Smiling

Journey By Edna St. Vincent Millay
"Ah, could I lay me down in this long grass And close my eyes, and let the quiet wind Blow over me—I am so tired, so tired Of passing pleasant places! All my life, Following Care along the dusty road, Have I looked back at loveliness and sighed;Yet at my hand an unrelenting hand Tugged ever, and I passed. All my life long Over my shoulder have I looked at peace;And now I fain would lie in this long grass And close my eyes.Yet onward!Cat birds call Through the long afternoon, and creeks at dusk Are guttural. Whip-poor-wills wake and cry, Drawing the twilight close about their throats. Only my heart makes answer. Eager vines Go up the rocks and wait; flushed apple-trees Pause in their dance and break the ring for me; And bayberry, that through sweet bevies thread Of round-faced roses, pink and petulant,Look back and beckon ere they disappear.Only my heart, only my heart responds. Yet, ah, my path is sweet on either side All through the dragging day,—sharp underfoot. And hot, and like dead mist the dry dust hangs—But far, oh, far as passionate eye can reach, And long, ah, long as rapturous eye can cling,The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road. A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold."

It is a testament to the chaos of my work schedule that I am currently feeling as though I am trapped inside of a monstrous whirlwind that is spinning me around with no apparent end in sight. Right now, I am going to three places for mentoring: The Justice Center, Pathways and Rewards Jail Intervention. Not only do I have to be a coordinator for this program but I have to simultaneously come to these places and be a mentor myself. I must be everywhere all the time. I am as Cathy Jo says, the "face of Partners In Change." I stuck the proverbial foot in the mouth when I said I would also do GED tutoring at RJI. Me teach math???? I swore I would never touch another math book again!! All I can say is, those poor souls...

So, three roles now. It is almost as if there are invisible hands all struggling to pull me in completely separate directions. I am a juggler on a stage in front of a riveted audience. I cannot let one ball drop...all eyes on me...be calm...be patient...breathe...do not let them see how nervous you are...above all things, keep smiling...

Just when I envisioned one of the balls escaping from my fingertips and rolling with a deafening silence across the stage, time suspended, eyes frozen in alarm, something unexpected occurred. Last Tuesday, I went to RJI to learn more about what I would have to do for the GED program there. To be honest, I was dreading this. One more thing I have to do, I thought. I was talking on the phone with the woman I will be filling in for while she is out for knee replacement surgery, and she told me that she had been hearing my name everywhere. Initially, I had no idea what she was talking about. Then I thought, she must be confusing me with some other Katie Baker who has a mentoring program in Cincinnati. It is completely plausible! She told me how the women love my programs at the Justice Center, Pathways and RJI, and cannot wait to see me each week. As if I needed any more proof, two of the women I mentor there came up to me as I was about to leave with great big smiles on their faces. "Katie! When are you going to be here for mentoring?" they asked as they gave me a hug. Perhaps, I am doing something right after all.

With that thought in mind, I left and headed down to the Jail for my Tuesday mentoring session there. I could not help but to smile as well. The drone of construction, the leers of the workers, and my concern for the cracks on the sidewalk that exist for the express purpose of tripping me in my heels, all faded away like a half-remembered song. Nothing mattered in those few moments but the women I am mentoring. Mentoring is a source of strength for me, and I care so much about them. Otherwise, how could I possibly endure hearing such tragic and painful stories three times a week? I cannot do it without feeling a considerable measure of sadness and empathy for them. Inspite of everything, they keep smiling. I tell them that nothing in the world can limit them but themselves. If they want to change and make a better life for themselves, it is absolutely possible. I try to instill this reminder every week, and in turn, believe it for myself:
But far, oh, far as passionate eye can reach, and long, ah, long as rapturous eye can cling, the world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, broad field, bright flower, and the long white road. A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold.

P.S. I am flying home this Wednesday to visit my mom and dad! My sister and her two children are also visiting, and I cannot believe that it has been a year since I saw her last. That is much too long when you love someone. I am excited to take Ashton for ice cream and play dolls with Ashley. Maybe they'll help me to remember that I'm not as old as I feel sometimes.

Your friend always,
Katie