CH...CH...CH...CHANGES

"Trippers and askers surround me,People I meet, the effect upon me of my early life or the ward and city I live in, or the nation,The latest dates, discoveries, inventions, societies, authors old and new,My dinner, dress, associates, looks, compliments, dues,The real or fancied indifference of some man or woman I love,The sickness of one of my folks or of myself, or ill-doing or loss or lack of money, or depressions or exaltations,Battles, the horrors of fratricidal war, the fever of doubtful news, the fitful events;These come to me days and nights and go from me again,But they are not the Me myself.Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am,Stands amused, complacent, compassionating, idle, unitary,Looks down, is erect, or bends an arm on an impalpable certain rest,Looking with side-curved head curious what will come next,Both in and out of the game and watching and wondering at it.Backward I see in my own days where I sweated through fog with linguists and contenders,I have no mockings or arguments, I witness and wait." --From Song of Myself by Walt Whitman

I was not sure what I was going to share with you this time around. I wondered if I had anything worthwhile to say. We know it is true that nothing ever stays the same. There have been many changes at our house this past month, and there will be more to come. I do think that change can be a very good thing, yet still I shrink from it. I have always been extremely constant about certain aspects of my life, and at times, I fear I do not have the strength to do something different. What cowardly thinking that is! Through all of my hardships and when change was inevitable, I have always been able to summon the courage to continue. I would do well to remember that in the months to come.

There are other necessary changes that I believe need to come, and this is a self-imposed change. We have the choice what we take inside of ourselves, whether it be positive or negative. Too often in my own life have I allowed someone's cruel or thoughtless words to negatively impact my life. I have cried and hurt too much in the past over this to allow it to continue into the future. I want to believe as Walt Whitman does that it is all external, and we are ultimately as happy as we make up our minds to be. Each day I desire to be consciously reminded of this. I know it will not be easy.

To whoever is reading this, please try to be mindful of the things you say and do. You may not realize just how much you are hurting someone else. I am not without faults. I have been this way too. When my dad was first diagnosed with cancer and over the next year, many of my thoughts took a pessimistic turn. This always has a spill-over effect, but at the time, I could not see how much I was hurting my friends with my negativity. One of my best friends had to finally tell me. I was angry with her, but she was right. It was humbling to admit that I was wrong, but since then, I made the endeavor to be a different and better person. It is an everyday struggle, and sometimes there are setbacks. At least now, I am more aware of it.

That was alot of rambling on my part, but in short, I guess I just wanted to say that we should not allow others to steal the happiness from our days. Nor should we do the same to others. Mindfulness...now that is the key.

P.S. My eye has improved tremendously since I last wrote to you. Most times I do not even notice the differences. I still have to take eye drops and go to appointments, but hopefully that will end soon. Thank you again for your prayers and concerns. It has meant a great deal to me.

Take care, and I will be talking with you again soon.

A Friend Always,
Katie